Poetry & Esseys

Writing poems and short essays has always been a part of my creative process, even before I realized I am an artist. 

I write poems which stand alone, but often, my poems enspire a painting and vice versa. 

Unapologetically Me! (Extended Version)


 

In an instant, it all became just noise.

 

Words that used to cut my soul into pieces, the ones that ripped my heart out then spat on it, meant nothing. The words that made me feel ashamed, guilty, incomplete, stupid, crazy, wrong, bad, unwanted, unloved, disrespected and dismissed, in an instant, became just noise.

 

It was as if a door softly opened, the threshold moved quietly past me than closed behind me forever.

 

I felt, I knew I was done fighting for us, for you and for me. The anger I carried in my body all these years disappeared and I felt at peace. My mind, my heart and my soul had finally let go of it all….

 

With the anger, the pain of being rejected, disrespected, belittled, patronized, seen as crazy and out of control, abandoned and betrayed by the people whom I loved and trusted the most, changed to quiet acceptance because I finally understood that I have no control over other people's’ destiny, only my own. I was finally at peace with myself and all those who had so greatly disappointed me.

 

I no longer had the need to understand the reasons behind what made those closest to me so cold, distant, withdrawn, cruel, demanding, withholding of love, making me beg or pay for their acceptance and understanding. Nor did I feel the need to help them understand and come to accept their own personal demons that lurk in the dark shadows of their minds and souls.

 

I no longer felt the overwhelming need to be accepted, loved, understood and cherished by people incapable of loving me the way I need to be loved.


From the moment I made the decision to let go, I gave myself permission to be the magnificent woman that I am; the kind of woman who is not afraid to live her life emerged in truth, love and beauty. I accepted that I was born to shine and be unapologetically and fiercely me!

 

I was no longer fighting or hiding my depression, my anxiety, my panic attacks, my insecurities and my Bipolar disorder. I celebrate them! I became the wonderful person because of all those things.

 

Every experience, every person, every hurt, rejection, abandonment, betrayal and loss are but chapters in my journey to figure out my path in this world, my role and my destiny…..




 

Ania Milo, 2018

Fight For Me……..

 

I rage with love

I cry with hope

I cringe with power 

I wail with laughter

 

I am fierce 

I am true

I am real

I am me

 

I feel light

I see pain

I sense life

I touch all

 

I soar

I fall

I weep

I dream

 

I’m alone

I’m scared

I’m nervous

I’m screaming

 

I am doubtful 

I am unsure

I am crazy

I am broken

 

I hope for love

I crave for life

I create for beauty

I dream for family

 

I leave 

I stay

I hold

I push away

 

 I fight 

 

I Fight For Me

You didn’t…..


 

Ania Mio, 2019

Broken

Everything is broken

History is repeating

What can I do?

There is no way out

I just want to scream

Betrayed

Can’t breathe

I’m falling

Who will catch me?

There is no use of me crying

It won’t change anything

I’ve fallen to my knees

And they are bloodied

My hands are shaking

Can’t hold on

What have I done?

There is nothing left

Where do I go from here?

I don’t trust myself

So many mistakes

My eyes were closed

They didn’t want to see

Now wide opened

Life flooding in

Consuming everything

Truth

Pain

Loss

End

I weep

Does life go on?

 

Ania Milo

October 20, 2020

Lost to Me

 

In the depths of my Soul a Darkness lingers 

It has been there from the beginning

Penetrating my mother's womb and growing along with me

Spreading and covering my Inner Light

 

Transforming into a physical presence as I entered this world,

It began pressing on my Heart with a weight of a thousand condemned lives.

Ever-present and powerful, it consumed my childhood's innocence and joy

Leaving me hollow and despondent

 

Sitting in a darkened room,

I heard the calling of the sun and wind and longed to run with them.

But the heaviness inside my Being was too great to overcome

And I stayed inside swallowed up by the darkness

 

Enveloping me tightly,

The Darkness formed a barrier, which I could seldom breach

Between me and the world around me, leaving me standing apart from it

Always feeling like a stranger

 

As I struggled against it,

The Darkness extended its reach deeper within my Soul

Contaminating places meant for Love, Trust, and Joy

Making me unable to fully interact with the people in my life

 

As children played together and formed friendships

I felt tarnished and unworthy to join their play.

I yearned for their company but felt resentful towards them

As they possessed that which I could never have

 

Carrying this heavy burden left me exhausted, with no energy or ambition

To fully engage in my own life thus I let things go unfinished

What I did accomplish cost me unbearable amount of energy and left me spent

Without the motivation to continue on

 

Always pushing the Darkness away from me

Keeping it at bay from devouring all of my Inner Strength

I yearned for the things that I knew I should be able to have and do

But could not reach through this ever-thickening blockade

 

Obstructing my ability to fully engage my mind and soul in creating my future

I was left with no direction and no inspiration for what I could do with my Life

Yet I knew that I was meant to create and achieve extraordinary things

And so I loathed myself and this Burden for keeping me from my Future

 

Year after year, oppressing me to the point of emotional numbness

Preventing me to trust and love others as well as myself

I failed to form healthy and lasting romantic relationships

Which left me with only dreams of Family and Children that I would never have

 

This constant and losing battle left me dejected, discouraged, and emotionally drained

I became apathetic towards my life and what became of it or me

Shrouded in this veil of Darkness, I existed for many years

Going through the motions of living, but never truly experiencing Life

 

Lost in this stupor, I watched my youth pass me by

Missing the opportunities which that time of life brought with it

I struggled to gain an education and started a job,

But those were just means of survival and not my true passion

 

For I had no passion nor true calling

My Heart and my Soul were empty, but for the Darkness living there

And for the pain born from It.

I lived inside an empty shell, unable to break free

 

Among the shadows there were fleeting moments of clarity

When I was able to glimpse the brightness and feel the warmth

These moments gave me respite and filled me with energy and strength to keep fighting

For what I knew was there behind the heavy curtain, just waiting for me to reach it

Without these moments, I would have not survived

 

With the last drops of energy and determination

That somehow survived within me

And with the help and support of many wonderful people

I started fighting for the day when I would be free of the Darkness that enveloped me

I started fighting to be the person I was meant to be before this Darkness took me

 

And I fought back for all that was Lost to Me....

I fought for my Childhood and the Nurturing of a Mother and the

Love of a Father

I fought for carefree days filled with Support and Encouragement

I fought for genuine, deep Friendships and understanding

   I fought for Joy and Laughter and for playing outside in the warm rain

I fought for Freedom to be who I wanted to be; for the Freedom to choose My Own Way

            I fought for True Love full of trust and patience and beauty

            I fought for Myself; for my Heart, and for my Spirit, and for my Soul

            I fought for My Life........................

And I won!!!!!!!!!!

 

Ania M. Milo| © 2010 | Accompanying drawing by A. Milo titled “Gabrielle” © 2008

My Hope 

(Prayer for the New Year)

 

As I lay me down to sleep

I pray my Hope my Hear to keep

If I die before I wake

I pray my Hope my Heart to take

But if I wake, I pray my Heart my Hope remake

 

In my Hope my Heart shall rest

And renew from last year’s tests

If my Hope is True and Strong

I pray my Heart will carry on

 

Let my Hope be Deep and Pure

Teach my Heart to trust anew

Guide It’s path to where Light is

And show my Heart the Joy still lives

 

To battle Demons that there still hide

Let my Hope fill It with Courage

To help It deal with all the Damage

 

As my Heart fills up with Light

Let It know the Hope survived

Show It Warmth and Care and Sight

Let It see the Life has Thrived

 

Lend compassion for my Heart

Show that Love is all around

Let It know a Lover’s touch

Make it True and Sure and Right

 

As I lay me down to sleep……….I Hope………

Accompanying drawing by A. Milo titled “Galaxy” © 2009| This work © 2010

© 2023 Ania Milo Fine Art